My deepest insecurity was that I felt that my voice never mattered. I never stood up for myself or spoke in confrontation, I silenced myself because I was scared. My deepest insecurity allowed me to accept bullying, to accept everyone else’s faults and to accept being taken advantage of mentally, physically and sexually. I had no voice, no courage, and no self-worth. Essentially I felt like I had no opinion (that mattered) which lead to “no real choice”. This suppressed me.
My first thought was to always keep the peace, and to please those around me no matter the circumstance. I felt like if I spoke up and stood up for what I believed in, in regards to myself, that I would get knocked back down even harder, you can imagine how freighting this could be for someone who already felt brittle and weak. Although, whenever those around me who I cared for (which was everyone, even those who did me wrong) felt attacked or anything less than perfect, this audacious power would strike me and I would feel fearless to defend them. I always cared for the well-being of those around me but never for my own.
Why couldn’t I do this for myself?
How I learned to overcome my deepest insecurity was to fall to the lowest of low points and realize that the only place I have left to go is up. I have been extremely active my entire life, always on the go and always distracted from myself. This world outside of my world was my getaway, so I thought. There too I felt inadequate and a burden upon over speaking. I felt lost. The only true place where I felt safe was in my head, and in my thoughts. The suppression of my silenced voice only created negative ideals and perceptions of self, over time I too felt lost within my own head.
My saving grace (at that time) was the journals I would keep and write in when I felt I had nowhere else to turn to. My journals were the only place I felt my voice mattered, and because I never shared my journals no one had control over my thoughts but me. Tearing my ACL in 2016 was the first time I ever experienced the true essence of stillness. This allowed me to REALLY hear myself and the negative thoughts I would entertain. This provided me the time to reflect upon my life, my journals, my actions and my direction. Looking back, it pains me to see how much pain I was filled with and how alone I felt. Stillness ignited my growth, my self-worth and my internal powers. Stillness allowed me to realize that if I wanted positive change that I had to go out and grab it because no one else would do that for me. I would always be someone else’s shield or punching bag but who was my shield or my punching bag?
Today, I am fearless. What I didn’t know then but I know now, is that I was never truly alone even though I felt I was. I always had God within me but because I was so lost I felt like I couldn’t find my way to him, this diminished my faith and my self-worth. Today, I control me and me only. Today, I stand to influence and ignite the faith of those around me who too feel silenced, alone and afraid. I stand to let you know that you and your voice DOES matters and you are not alone.
MUCH LOVE ALWAYS!
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